Parenting Lessons from a Musician/Teacher

Last weekend we attended a Parent Talk delivered by Dr. Karen Hagberg, one of the senior-most Suzuki piano instructors in America. My knowledge of piano, or western classical music, for that matter is negligible. So I went expecting to understand nothing, but eager to hear Dr. Hagberg’s talk nevertheless since M’s piano teacher spoke very highly of her.

I need not have worried because Dr. Hagberg had us at ‘Hello!’ She is a remarkable person – so humble, patient and talented – with a fantastic sense of humor! I’m grateful for this opportunity to observe her teach and to hear her talk and to M’s wonderful teacher for pointing us in the right direction. 

Although there is no significant change in my knowledge of classical music since then, I have to say – her talk was one of the most refreshing and inspiring I’ve heard. Sure, it was specific to getting our kids to practice everyday, helping them enjoy music for the sake of music and our role as parents in encouraging children to learn music…but I thought her words were relevant to everyone – parents, teachers and anyone interested in the well-being of children and our planet.  What Dr. Hagberg said can be applied to pretty much any aspect of parenting….including encouraging young children to read.

For instance, here are some of the things Dr. Hagberg said: 

Praise effort, not results: Whether your child is learning to play an instrument or learning to read, appreciate his effort and not the outcome. Dr. Hagberg stressed how important it is for parents to focus on the child’s efforts and letting that reflect in our comments. Saying, ” I like how you tried to sound out all the letters,” is more effective and useful than, ” Wow, you’re a terrific reader!”

Provide honest feedback, evaluation:  If you learn to praise effort, you automatically start providing valuable, honest feedback. Dr. Hagberg says children know when your praise is empty and when you’re being sincere. So, it’s important to be specific with your comments for them to be helpful.

Encourage mutual help, support.: I love this one. Help children help each other improve.  If one child at home or in the class reads or plays music way better than the others, let the child play an active role in helping others learn. Let the others watch him play or read.  Get the child to work with a beginner student. Dr. Hagberg mentioned a Japanese proverb where a nail that stood out among a row of nails would be hammered down to the same level as the others. It’s up to us to raise open-minded children who are eager to learn from and to share their knowledge with each other.

Ask questions, avoid criticism: We know that when a child asks a question, it’s a great opportunity for us to encourage the child to think. Instead of giving away the answer, asking ”Why do you think that is?” ” Hmm..I’m not sure…what do YOU think?” in response to their questions gets the discussion going and helps the child discover answers for himself. Dr. Hagberg suggested that we turn children’s doubts and questions back to them and ask questions like, ” Do you think you played that well or do you think you might need more practice?”, “ The teacher asked you to practice this 15 times. How many times do you want to practice before lunch?” The same could be applied to reading and you could ask kids how many books they want to read before going to the park or which book they’d like to bring along on a trip.  This is an effective way to steer clear of criticism, while giving kids the chance to choose.

Be consistent.  Routine . Is. Important. Whether it’s music practice or reading to your child, establish and stick to a routine early on.

Compare not to each other but to highest ideals possible: Probably the most important piece of parenting advice there is. We hear it everywhere, we all know it. Comparing kids to each other is not a healthy way to motivate them. Every child is different and has unique strengths, weaknesses, interests and style of learning and doing things.  What Dr. Hagberg advised with respect to music was to motivate children by offering the highest ideals as comparison and not another child in the class.  Cite examples of the world’s best musicians, authors and artists and assure your children that they have the same potential.  That’s the only kind of comparison worth making.

We came away from the Parent Talk with the reinforced belief that the process is so much more important than the product. Most of us know that it’s the little things we do everyday that add up to a fulfilling life and that the joy is in the journey – but an occasional reminder like this one always helps!